Last night I shared something I haven’t had the courage to talk about openly before, until now.
Currently, I am at my lowest weight…and I’m the least happy or excited I have ever been about it.
As you may know, I recently came out of the closet about my struggle with anxiety but I haven’t felt brave enough to talk about the way it’s affected my body weight, image and relationship with food, but in order to stay true to myself and my beautiful JSHealth community I felt it was time to get real with you.
With the JSHealth brand built on products and recipes that nourish the body and promote love, kindness and acceptance, it’s heartbreaking to admit that my beautiful appetite for JSHealth food has completely diminished over the past few months.
As those of you who have followed my journey would know, I spent most of my younger life aspiring to be skinny and was a chronic fad dieter.
The very sad truth was, as a teenager, skinny was my life goal.
This is actually how JSHealth started. I wanted to write a blog about my fight against the skinny ideal and discuss my quest to find peace and balance with food and my body.
In a world that screams at you to be thin, it seemed impossible to figure out how I would be able to find another way, a healthier, balanced, whole way. But I finally found it.
After years of soul searching, researching and learning more about nutrition and what healthy and whole really looks and feels like, I came to love and accept myself and my body.
Now, despite how far I have come with my relationship, I will admit, like anyone, some parts of my motivation were still image conscious.
But boy has this has changed recently. Over the last couple of months my anxiety disorder has stripped away my appetite for food and the parts of myself that I love.
This is the first time I have ever experienced this. My appetite for beautiful JSHealth food has completely diminished, I have only felt like cheese on toast for the past five months.
It’s the most terrible, sinking feeling.
While I don’t weigh myself, my clothes are hanging off me and my face looks depleted and gaunt.
When I look in the mirror, I do not feel happy about it —even at my skinniest — the honest truth is, I miss my curves and vibrant smile. All I want is my peace of mind back.
Each day now as I approach the mirror, I pray for my inner calm, not for a more toned stomach. And to be honest? It’s a relief — it’s grounding, humbling and bloody brilliant to feel that I have reached a new level of acceptance towards wanting a healthy and balanced relationship with my body.
I now truly just want to look healthy, vibrant and happy, not depleted and gaunt.
So, on reflection, if one positive thing has come out of my anxiety stint, this has to be it. Never again will I pray for vanity and perfection. I will be grateful for every single day that I have an anxiety free mind, strong body and feel happiness.
We have nothing without our mental health and we really have to change our focus from weight to health. This is now my mission more than anything else.
Lastly, a big shout out to my darling husband, who has always loved me through my negative body image days and has truly only ever encouraged me to love my body as it is — as every man should! Yes?! Love you girls! X
For those struggling with anxiety or body love, please see my anxiety post here for tips that have helped soothe me, or download the JSHealth app and see our Body Love section for beautiful guidance, meditations and advice from our experts.